My own worse enemy.

I don't understand how easy it is sometimes for me to just sit in front of an empty screen, and every word that comes to my brain, my fingers can type onto this white page, and somehow they always seem to make perfect sense, to everyone else. The words that come from my head, are always helpful to someone else, and i can always find words to say to someone else, or know the perfect solutions to everyone else's problems, but when it comes to myself, i'm supposed to be the one person who has all the answers to give myself.. Yet, it never happens that way.


It's almost like i know the answers, they're there, i can see the solution, but i can't ever seem to put the pieces together in order to make a solid stepping ground to get to the next step. I feel like i'm constantly watching myself get knocked down, like i am standing on the sidelines of my own failure and i'm not doing anything about it. The worse part is, that i CAN do something about it, i am capable, i'm just too afraid. So many things have happen in my life that were out of my hands, that i wish i could have changed, and so many people have walked out on me, i have watched my own masterpiece crumble to the ground right in front of my face, and every time i tried to put the pieces back together, there was always someone, or something trying to knock it back down, and I have always stood there and let them. It's so frusterating, knowing that i let people destroy me, there are no fingers to be pointed, only myself to blame.. And there are people who know this, there are people watching me battle myself in order to put these broken pieces back together, and they take advantage, by making everything harder, they'll kick me down when i pick myself up, and any strength i gain along the way, they will make sure it's destroied. And i can forgive these people, over and over and over again, but i can't forgive myself?

I can't understand why i am my own worse enamy, and why i'm pulling myself apart instead of building myself a solid ground to walk on. I don't understand why i let people push me down just so they have something to walk on. I'm watching myself fade out, and won't do anything about it? I feel myself getting backed into a corner, and i know that in order to get out and move forward, i am going to have to make some decisions, i'm not going to be able to stand there and watch myself drown anymore, something has to be done, and facing it will be scary. I'm going to have to grab ahold of a monster who has been pulling my strings, and make sure i'm strong enough to never let it happen again... but the hardest part isn't gaining the strength to fight this battle, and it's not the battle itslf.. The worse part is knowing that monster is myself.. i have to defeat the dark part of me that is too weak to move.

Time in a broken glass.

There are so many unanswered questions that we all have in the back of our minds.. Questions that hit us out of nowhere sometimes.. and we search for answers, and eventually when the answers don't come, we just throw the question in the back of our minds, where that percent of our brain that we don't use, eats away all of the information we forget about.. And we all have theories, and opinions that rott away in our brain because they eventually change so many times that they lose the core, and without the core, everything else just starts to fade out.. The funniest thing about this fragile life we are living every second our heart beats, is that everything in our brain Won't matter one day... Everything we learn, everything we see, everything we touch and smell... It all goes away one day. And for a lot of us, it's sooo hard to accept that fact, and we spend so much of our life wasting away trying to answer these questions that DONT HAVE ANSWERS!! They really don't have answers, and i hate to say that, because it sounds rather negitive and cold, but it's very true.. The reason they don't have answers is because they are questions that apply to everyone Differently, there is no right answer.. And even if there was a right answer, is it really worth spending a lifetime trying to find? Because to me, since nothing matters when we shut our eyes perminately, shouldn't we be able to do whatever we want? I mean to me, everything we have here could be taken from us at any givin time, and yeah that IS scary, but it's not the time that is scary, its the TRUTH that is scary, we do leave this earth one day, weather it is tomorrow, or ten years, or fifty years... NO ONE KNOWS.. and i believe once you accept that fact, you can really live, your eyes will open all of the way, and you can be alive more then you ever have before.. Because once we let the truth in, in ANY situation.. even if the truth isn't what we wanted it to be, once we take in the truth, and accept it.. we are able to move. There is a difference between knowing the truth, and accepting it.. Because you can KNOW everything, but if you don't accept it you will be standing still, or going backwards.

It's crazy how i can pick up a magazine and on one page, there will be a picture of the earth, with a bunch of people smiling, or a page with some amazing new discovery, or a new cute for a horrible disease.. But then you turn the page, and it has a picture of a metling ice cap in captions reaading, "will we all die soon?" Again, the answer to that question DOESNT EXSIST YET and the cold hearted truth is, WE WONT KNOW UNTIL IT HAPPENS, and when it happens (because yes we all do die ONE DAY) it WONT EVEN MATTER.. It will be too late by then for it to even matter.. So for such a huge question that seems so important, it has absolutly no meaning when you strip away everything and are left with the cold hearted TRUTH.


Sometimes i ask myself simple questions..
1.) Have i loved in this life?
2.) Have i learned in this life?
3.) Have i felt love?
4.) Have i accomplished anything?
5.) Have i succeeded in anything?
6.) Have i helped others in this life?
7.) Have i smiled and felt true and complete happieness at ANY TIME in this life?

The answers to these questions are all YES!! and to me, that is all that matters.. and if i make it to the next day, it just means i am going forward.. and that's all i can keep doing.. Sometimes there will be some unexpected twists and turns, or i might get knocked down or pushed back, as long as i open my eyes to another day, it's impossible for me to NOT get back up, and find my way.. That's the true meaning of "beauty in a breakdown" Because there is always light, as long as our eyes are open, and our heart is beating, there is light.. there is hope.. It's almost funny, that what keeps me going evey day is knowing the next day migh be my last. But i DO consider it strength that i accept that, because i have watched people let it concome them, and take over, i have watched people get lost in a darkness so thick that i wonder if they will ever come back.. I've watched people get knocked down, and never get back up.. And i myself have been knocked down over and over and over again, sometimes i felt like it would just keep happening.. but one day, i realized even if it does keep happening, I'm not dead, my hourglass has not yet been broken, and the time is not spilling out, i'm still whole, and i am still capable. And that is enough to pick me up, and put me back on my path.

Incase of breakdown.. . . .

It's really hard to understand the way we work as human beings, i wish that when i was young, learning everything, there was some type of Manuel i could have read about what to do in case of a breakdown. It would have been nice, considering i break down more then i would have imagined. Maybe, i am just very young, or maybe i put myself in bad situations, with bad people? I'm not sure, but i know that it happens, and it happens more then i would like it to, and when it does happen i never know what to do to fix things... Or maybe, i do know, but i just don't want the solution to be the only way, so i stick around and try to make my own remedies, which ALWAYS end in disaster. I always put so much love and passion into things i love, which can range anywhere from people to my writing, And i'm almost never satisfied by what i get back. i hate to be a complainer and write a blog about "poor me" (though, really i don't feel sorry for myself) Anyway, i feel like i constantly give, and give, and in return i get shit on in almost every situation. I have noticed a bit of a pattern, and i'm starting to believe that it only happens so much because i let it, i never stop anything before it gets too far, but why would i, when i have a mind set of a person who believes everyone changes, for the better? When i meet a person i want to care about deeply, i put them so high, that i put the idea into my head that they will never fail me, or hurt me, because it's a lot easier then the truth, which is everyone is capable of hurting you.


It feels like a lot of the time i waste (which lately has been a lot) i turn into another person, though i never lose the real me inside, it's too strong to fade away.. I just can't understand how to balance things, or organize things, to make things clear to me? Time starts to slip away when i feel down, and feel broken, and then it's like i wake up one day sick to my stomach because i don't know what day it is, and can't understand how i wasted so much time feeling "sorry for myself" when i could have been making amazing things happen for myself. I guess it scares me knowing that our time here is a mysery and very limited, i don't want to wake up one day from my life, and realize there's no going back, and i'm 86 years old, with a wasted life, waiting for someone to change, waiting for my life to change.. I want to be that 86 year old who has so many wrinkles on my face from smiling my whole life, i want to be that 86 year old who has a family and friends, who i constantly tell stories to, about all of the great times, and things i did... I want to be the 86 year old who feels like no time i spent on this earth was ever wasted.

Animals.

I find it so fascinating how smart animals are, A lot of people disagree, and think they are just "stupid animals" Well i find that a little silly, considering if we were to be locked in a small house, with a bunch of things we couldn't understand, or communicate with, and never be able to do anything but eat the same old crap, sleep on a hard floor, and never be able to talk to anyone, we would lose our minds. And I'm saying that because it's what i think, it's a proven fact that we wouldn't have a normal functioning mind. I mean, dogs can learn so much, if you have enough time and Patience you would be amazed at what you can actually teach a dog!! I've seen dogs go "fetch" a shoe in a pile of shoes, and the man told him what color to get, and the dog pulled out the right shoe, in a pile of a bout 20 shoes... How can that even be possible, i think to myself sometimes.. But it is, and they keep amazing me every day.


Interesting Facts about Cats:

• The nose pad of a cat is ridged in a pattern that is unique, just like the fingerprint of a human.
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• A cat's heart beats twice as fast as a human heart, at 110 to 140 beats per minute.

• The largest cat breed is the Ragdoll. Males weigh twelve to twenty pounds, with females weighing ten to fifteen pounds. The smallest cat breed is the Singapura. Males weigh about six pounds while females weigh about four pounds.

• Cats have 290 bones in their bodies, and 517 muscles

• The oldest cat on record was Puss, from England, who died in 1939 just one day after her 36th birthday.

• The more cats are spoken to, the more they will speak to you.

Some interesting Facts about dogs:

• The oldest dog on record is 29 years old. He was an Australian Cattle-Dog.
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• They have super sensitive hearing - some can hear sounds 250 yards away - 100 times greater than humans.

• Puppy's don't open their eyes until they are 10 to 15 days old.

• Normal body temperature for a dog is 101.2F.

• The Greyhound is the fastest dog on earth. They are capable of reaching speeds up to 45 miles per hour.

• It is estimated that one million dogs in the United States have been named the primary beneficiary in their owner's will.

• Any dog trained to guide the blind cannot tell a red light from a green one. He watches the traffic flow to tell when it is safe to cross.

• Paris, France has more dogs than people.

Interesting Facts about Bunnies:

• A male rabbit is called a buck and a female rabbit is called a doe.

• A rabbit can see behind himself, without turning his head, but has a blind spot in front of his face.

• A rabbit sweats through the pads on its feet.

• Domestic rabbits cannot breed with wild rabbits.

• Rabbits can jump to a height of more than 36 inches.

• Rabbits can purr, just like a cat.

• Rabbits cannot vomit.

• Rabbits eat their own night droppings, known as cecotropes.
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• Rabbits need to eat hay, in order to assist their digestive system and prevent fur balls in their stomach.

• The teeth of a rabbit never stop growing.

• The record for the longest living rabbit is that of 19 years, while that of heaviest rabbit is 26 lbs.

the spider who weaves the perfect web.

Sometimes it's so easy to judge people, so easy, that i do it a lot more then i want to. Infact, i don't ever want to, and i find myself looking down on people, i find myself looking at very capable people who are mothers (capable of being better) and they're just treating there childrean like they mean nothing to them. And it makes me so sick to my stomach, and it's so hard to understand sometimes how there are women out there blessed enough to have such a beautiful gift, and then there are women out there who will never know the love between a mother and a child. Sometimes i think that's so unfair and horrible that i don't realize how judgemental i'm being... It doesn't take much to look at ANYONE and be able to place judgement, i have made enough mistakes, and i'm very far from perfect myself, and i'm sure there are people out there who judge me.. I Just want to know, if there are actually people out there who do not place judgement at all? Is it really possible to see such failures out there and be able to say a prayer for them with out looking at them as if they are so pathetic. If it is possible, i want to achieve it.


Sometimes i really see life as one huge spider web, Everyone is so tangled in a never ending chain of webbing. It just means, that everyone has there own problems, there own mess of some sort, tangled up trying to find a way out.. There are so many people trapped in there web, and can't seem to find the next move to make. I guess, what i'm trying to say is that there are people out there who are so tangled up in there own mess that when it gets to hard, they give up, they never feel the relaxation of being able to move forward, without any work. It's really easy to just decide it's too much work, and stop trying. But is it easier then succeeding? If you really think about it, yeah it's a lot of work to work for the things you want in life, but is it really easier to give up on yourself? When, giving up means constantly untangling your web for the rest of your life? It's a lot to think about, and probably a bit confusing.. but when i think about this tanlged mess i weave sometimes, i think about how easy it is to untagle myself when i just apply myself to the fullest, and then i watch others struggling with everything they have to be where they want to be, and i try to help as much as i can, sometimes i try to help others so much, i forget about my own self. It's hard to remember sometimes, that we are always the creater of our own webs, at the end of the day when we're trapped in our mess, we were the ones who weaved ourselfs in the middle of it.

Every beat means something.

Lately, I've been appreciating the fact that i found love in this life a lot more. Sometimes i tend to feel angry, or upset with the person i love, sometimes i take his love for granite... And I'm starting to really see beyond the surface here. I'm really starting to realize how grateful i should be to have love at all. Weather this love lasts until our eyes close for that sweet sleep, or dies out tomorrow, i'm still very thankful, that i met a person, who taught me more then i would have ever thought i could learn in such a short period of time. In a way, he helped me find myself better then i would have ever been able to. Sometimes, it's such a great feeling to know there is a person just like me in this world, whos heart beats with mine.



It can be so scary when you really start to see the reality in life, that one day everything fades away, the people, the places, and all of the things you know and love, they all fade away, and one day nothing that mattered to you so dearly, will not even matter at all. But being in love, and sharing everything that i have at this moment in time, with another person, a person who makes your world just a little brighter, makes everything less scary, and a little easier to accept. Because i really believe that when you find someone who loves you enough, even if it's just for the shortest of time, it REALLY is enough to make you feel like you received one of the Greatest gifts in life, true love. Because once your heart has been opened, and you're able to see life in a new aspect, you become a new person, a person who greatly appreciates everything you have, and of course, one day you will have to say goodbye to the person you love, it happens, and we all know it does. But there will always be that warmth in your heart, and those pictures in your head (if it's the real thing) of a time, and a place where you felt the best feeling there is to feel.

Scattered pieces of a puzzle.

Every now and then when my mind seems to skim through all of the memories of people and places i have stored away in the back of my mind, i stop and let myself indulge in the moment and it starts to bring me back to these times... Some of them are the best times, some of them are the worse times, but lately, it's taken me back to one memory in particular.


South Carolina

For some reason, i can't seem to get the memory out of my head. It could be because it was the first time where i was alone, really. I Had reasons to be there, but as those reasons seemed to get less, and less important, i started to appreciate what was really around me. As soon as i blocked out everything else, and focused on this pure, rich land, i became to fall in love with my surroundings. It may seem a little crazy, but it was the first time in my life i ever felt like i was supposed to be where i was. I can't explain the feeling that i felt.. It was like the strongest sense of Deja Vu i had ever felt before. These beautiful trees bending through through the streets, that were so alive with old energy, the sweet smell of the air, the ocean swaying back and fourth as the sun set and left the most beautiful colors in the clear sky, breath taking.
There was tall grass, which every time the light breeze would glaze the marash you could see every blade of grass slide against the other, Everywhere you looked, lovers holding hands.


I remember sitting in a Resturant, in the heart of downtown Charleston, and i got this sudden feeling of being in that exact place before. My body filled with chills, and i couldn't believe how real it felt, actually feeling like i've been some place i had never been in my life. I walked through a park afterwords, alone, it had a large water fountain and dipping my feet in, watching the ships in the ocean which was always in view while walking through this beautiful park... I felt like i was retracing my own foot steps, and it was the most calm, and relaxing feeling i had felt in such a long time. It was the first time i was ever alone and still felt so complete, and so peaceful. I felt like i belonged there, i felt like i never wanted to leave. Some of the streets i walked on, were made of red brick, and horse drawn carrages brushed by me, beautiful old buildings everywhere i looked, and the most freindly people i had ever seen before. There were beautiful flowers, and gardens around every corner... The history was screaming so loud through all of this beautiful earth, i couldn't help but take it in and appreciate every single inch of the ground i was walking on. Being there really changed my view on this beautiful earth we live on, and i believe it's there that i grew up a little more, and began to cherish my life, more then i'd ever thought about.


I know it sounds a little silly, but i truly believe that somewhere in another life, i walked those streets before, i touched those flowers with my flesh, and smelled the fresh air with my nose. I Really believe that the reason this amazing place gave me such a peace, and such a calm piece of mind, is because the pieces of my past life started to piece together a memory, one that i couldn't have ever possibly grasped without collecting the pieces of my past that my previous life left scattered around this magnificint world that we live in.


Just thinking about that time in my life, brings me the best peace i could ask for. Sometimes, i feel so sad for not staying, or going back, and i don't really know if maybe one day in the future i will return to that lovely place, or maybe this life holds other things for me... either way, i am happy to be blessed with such a beautiful world to live in.. and I will never forget the long days, and summer nights i spent in this amazing place.