Incase of breakdown.. . . .

It's really hard to understand the way we work as human beings, i wish that when i was young, learning everything, there was some type of Manuel i could have read about what to do in case of a breakdown. It would have been nice, considering i break down more then i would have imagined. Maybe, i am just very young, or maybe i put myself in bad situations, with bad people? I'm not sure, but i know that it happens, and it happens more then i would like it to, and when it does happen i never know what to do to fix things... Or maybe, i do know, but i just don't want the solution to be the only way, so i stick around and try to make my own remedies, which ALWAYS end in disaster. I always put so much love and passion into things i love, which can range anywhere from people to my writing, And i'm almost never satisfied by what i get back. i hate to be a complainer and write a blog about "poor me" (though, really i don't feel sorry for myself) Anyway, i feel like i constantly give, and give, and in return i get shit on in almost every situation. I have noticed a bit of a pattern, and i'm starting to believe that it only happens so much because i let it, i never stop anything before it gets too far, but why would i, when i have a mind set of a person who believes everyone changes, for the better? When i meet a person i want to care about deeply, i put them so high, that i put the idea into my head that they will never fail me, or hurt me, because it's a lot easier then the truth, which is everyone is capable of hurting you.


It feels like a lot of the time i waste (which lately has been a lot) i turn into another person, though i never lose the real me inside, it's too strong to fade away.. I just can't understand how to balance things, or organize things, to make things clear to me? Time starts to slip away when i feel down, and feel broken, and then it's like i wake up one day sick to my stomach because i don't know what day it is, and can't understand how i wasted so much time feeling "sorry for myself" when i could have been making amazing things happen for myself. I guess it scares me knowing that our time here is a mysery and very limited, i don't want to wake up one day from my life, and realize there's no going back, and i'm 86 years old, with a wasted life, waiting for someone to change, waiting for my life to change.. I want to be that 86 year old who has so many wrinkles on my face from smiling my whole life, i want to be that 86 year old who has a family and friends, who i constantly tell stories to, about all of the great times, and things i did... I want to be the 86 year old who feels like no time i spent on this earth was ever wasted.