there are two equal parts in a heart.

Nothing hurts worse in a relationship, then realizing the end is the best thing possible. The more time you spend with this person you love, the more you realize the train is about to derail and crash into the next nearest tree. It's a horrible feeling when you have to let go of someone you love and once thought would be in your life forever.. Someone who became your family at some point, and in the end, will become a stranger. I let this person into my life, The very first person i ever put my trust into, the first person i gave my whole heart to, the first person i was ever comfortable enough around to show him who i really was, with confidence. Words could never express the way i loved him.. And it's very sad and horrible that i have to tell this person goodbye.. But there comes a point in life where you reach a fork and you have to make a tough decision in which way you have to go, and because the people we meet in this life we live, even the ones who make the biggest impact, will not always be there. And at the end of the day you still leave this world alone, so at the end of everything you are the most important person in your life. So when you reach that fork in the road and you have to really break it all down.. and ask yourself if your happy... the question left me empty inside.. for the longest time i was stuck at this fork. But then it hit me, I thought about how i am constantly trying to shove me in his face, so he can see me.. I feel so invisible and tiny. I've put so much into this relationship, gave my heart and at the end of every day i still feel like i have to do something special all the time just so he knows i'm there, like if i were to stop doing special things, he wouldn't know i was there. Every birthday, and holiday it was a struggle just to have a day of my own where i am supposed to be remembered, and appreciated.

It's a hard pill to swollow, but it's something that will benifit me in the end. The worse part of this is, he may never fully understand the way i really felt about him, he may never really see what was going on inside my head, and heart. He may never know what it felt like to understand the kind of love that ran to the deepest depth love can reach, that i had for him. He thinks that i never trusted him, the truth is when you fall in love with a person, the way i loved this person, trust is what makes it possible to fall. I was just jealous of the attention he gave complete strangers, when i'm supposed to be a special kind of person in his life.. I was always in a race with random people for his attention. I had to fight as hard as i could just to be able to fall asleep with that feeling in my stomach that i was loved.. that the feelings i've put into another person were returning to me in the best way possible.. and i spent so many nights feeling empty instead. I spent hundreds of nights in bed by myself wondering what it would take, things i could do to show him i exsist. What a sad thing to try to show someone who tells you they "love you". What a miserable way to live, fighting for what is supposed to already be yours. My heart was breaking over and over again, I never would imagine someone that once made me feel so important, and on top of the world, would make me feel so alone, and small. I feel like something went very wrong, he went one way, and i went another way.. And the whole time we were alone but pretended to be next to eachother, just so the word alone didn't seem so scary.

I've had to be at war with myself, it's never been so hard.. to wake up in the morning and like the person who i am when i've failed myself from being happy. I couldn't make someone see me, i lost in this constant race to be better then someone just for a little attention. I couldn't be better then anyone, because the whole time what i was searching for inside of him, didn't exsist. I could never be beautiful in his eyes, i could never be smart, and important, i could never be better then anyone in anyway what so ever. I can not let myself fall anymore, i can not beat myself up another day, i can not dis-like the person i am because i am never seen in someone elses eyes. I can not lose this fight another day, because the day i walk away, the fight will end. I have to let go of this neve ending battle, throw in the gloves, and walk away.