My own worse enemy.

I don't understand how easy it is sometimes for me to just sit in front of an empty screen, and every word that comes to my brain, my fingers can type onto this white page, and somehow they always seem to make perfect sense, to everyone else. The words that come from my head, are always helpful to someone else, and i can always find words to say to someone else, or know the perfect solutions to everyone else's problems, but when it comes to myself, i'm supposed to be the one person who has all the answers to give myself.. Yet, it never happens that way.


It's almost like i know the answers, they're there, i can see the solution, but i can't ever seem to put the pieces together in order to make a solid stepping ground to get to the next step. I feel like i'm constantly watching myself get knocked down, like i am standing on the sidelines of my own failure and i'm not doing anything about it. The worse part is, that i CAN do something about it, i am capable, i'm just too afraid. So many things have happen in my life that were out of my hands, that i wish i could have changed, and so many people have walked out on me, i have watched my own masterpiece crumble to the ground right in front of my face, and every time i tried to put the pieces back together, there was always someone, or something trying to knock it back down, and I have always stood there and let them. It's so frusterating, knowing that i let people destroy me, there are no fingers to be pointed, only myself to blame.. And there are people who know this, there are people watching me battle myself in order to put these broken pieces back together, and they take advantage, by making everything harder, they'll kick me down when i pick myself up, and any strength i gain along the way, they will make sure it's destroied. And i can forgive these people, over and over and over again, but i can't forgive myself?

I can't understand why i am my own worse enamy, and why i'm pulling myself apart instead of building myself a solid ground to walk on. I don't understand why i let people push me down just so they have something to walk on. I'm watching myself fade out, and won't do anything about it? I feel myself getting backed into a corner, and i know that in order to get out and move forward, i am going to have to make some decisions, i'm not going to be able to stand there and watch myself drown anymore, something has to be done, and facing it will be scary. I'm going to have to grab ahold of a monster who has been pulling my strings, and make sure i'm strong enough to never let it happen again... but the hardest part isn't gaining the strength to fight this battle, and it's not the battle itslf.. The worse part is knowing that monster is myself.. i have to defeat the dark part of me that is too weak to move.