Artificial.

This is a little depressing, but do you ever wonder how many people you see every day are just pretending to be so happy? Do you ever wonder if everyone stopped pretending to be something they are not, what this world would really be like? I mean think of how many people out there have such wonderful personalities, such unique beauty under the skin, that no one will ever see, because they are terrified to be themselves? It is quite sad when it comes down to how artificial this world really is. There are times when you can meet a bunch of people in one week, and it will seem like they are all the same. When you are in high school it seems like everyone wants the same things, everyone watches the same tv shows, everyone picks the same ideas for projects in classes.. Everyone dresses the same... But what if for one day it didn't matter what anyone thinks, what if for one day, no one cared what people think? Everyone could walk down the street in the clothes that they really want to wear, miss matching or not, no one would care because it wouldn't matter for that day. They could watch the tv shows they want, and enjoy the projects that they uniquely picked the idea for, and no one would think they were weird just because they have a beautiful thing inside that is being different. But i wonder, if nothing mattered, and no one cared, would unique still equal beauty? Would someones creativity still seem beautiful? Would it still stand out? It might not, but at least the smiles would be more genuine. At least there would be less violence in this world, because being different wouldn't be a bad thing anymore. At least some talents that the world may never see, because they are so afraid that it's weird, or too different, could be brought to the surface. Never really thought about it before. It seems too hard, it seems so impossible, but all it takes is a few people to really show how beautiful being different can be, and i know others would soon do the same thing.

insecurity.

There is a world filled with defined beauty, that lies within every person that walks along a journey that we know as life. Along this journey we will find things that will make us really see the beauty that we posses, and along this journey we will also find things that can make that same beauty so hard to see, that it's almost faded away. Once a person feels they posses no beauty, it becomes very though to find that beauty ever again. They will make accomplishments and see bits and pieces of their beauty... And certain times, there unique outlook on there journey, there intelligence, and creativity can make them see more and more. But looking back on the times they felt un-beautiful it can weaken them, and make them fragile. They will do whatever they can do to feel more and more beautiful. And if they are lucky enough to feel this beauty again, and really see it deep inside, they want nothing more then to hold on to it. They gain a self worth, knowing they are worth something... That every person is worth something, and there is someone in this overly crowded world that will think they're worth more then anything. But what happens when they meet a person who they think is worth so much more then anyone else they've ever met?. Expecting the same from this person, they see the most beautiful thing this world has to offer LOVE. And when they love another person, not only is there beauty defined again, but the love has put an even more appealing twist into the beauty.

But what happens when they realize, that this person who can make you feel more beautiful then you have ever felt in your life time, can also completely diminish your worth... Take away all of your beauty, and strip you completely to what feels like nothing? They can tell you that you are not beautiful, and that you aren't worth anything at all.. eventually it starts to become more believable and they start to think it's true. Falling to the bottom, they start to feel worthless, and incompetent . They have taken something so fragile, and crushed it into a million pieces, completely tearing them apart. It then becomes there job to try everything they can to pick up the pieces and put thyself back together, try to find the beauty that has been buried so deep it's starting to feel impossible to find... And all the while they are working so hard to fix everything, someone can come knock it all down again, picking each piece that tearing it apart even more. It's really hard to feel like you're worth anything at all, when the one most important person in your life, who you love with your whole heart, doesn't see it. They never tell you your beautiful, or tell you they care about you. They never go out of there way to make you feel special.

And then what if the same person who has taken your self worth, and destroyed it, starts to suddenly see the beauty that even you can't find... and all those broken pieces start to put themselves back together again. Everything seems to feel like it's falling into place, except you still can't find this beauty inside. Those words still stab you like sharp knives to your chest. What do you do then? How do you find this rich and pure beauty that you want so badly to see?

Beauty.

I watched the clouds hover over the mountains while the sun was preparing to rest, another day gone. I took a moment to breathe in the air and let the wind blow through my hair, and touch my face. I watched passerby's living there life, Saw all the emotions, from smiles to frowns... Started to think about all that i have accomplished in the past year, and felt a smile start to force my lips upward. Sometimes it's as easy as looking around, opening your eyes, opening your mind, and letting all of the negative energy go. Take a deep breathe and really look around.. See the earth, and how beautiful it is, see the smiling people, and how bright there glow is... It can make everything negative seem so small, it's up to you, to hold onto that moment for as long as you can, or to let it pass by.

Closure.

I see my life as a book sometimes, one that has some ripped pages, and stained pages. The book is unfinished, because there are chapters in the book that i could not get an ending to, but i still moved on to a new chapter, and each chapter seems to be a little thicker, and more interesting than the last. I have learned a long the way, that there are many people in this life who will pick the book up and open it from the middle, reading only what they want to read, and not what's truly there.. Not knowing the beginning of the story, they automatically place judgement. I have met people in this world who want to rip the pages out, and take things away from what's really there. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are people who will only see what they want to see, they will take bits and pieces of a situation they don't know enough about, and throw there hurtful words around, smacking you in the face. There are actually people out there who you Will meet, that will put labels on you, and try there best to be able to see you fall down, all in disguise.

I believe that in this life, i have made mistakes, i have said the wrong things more than the right things, I've done things that i thought i wouldn't ever do, and yet when i look back on everything i can still smile. I have been hurt more than i have been loved, i have said goodbye to all the people i thought i would never have to say those words to. Recently, i came across a person who i took a great interest in. Being young and nieve, i gave him everything, i made sacrifices that i shouldn't have made, i tossed my life, and everything i knew aside so i could start this new one.. There were many times i looked back, and wanted to turn around. I gave this person everything and did whatever he said. It wasn't until i was so buried in a mess that i made, that i noticed i had forgotten who i was. I couldn't remember what it felt like to do the things i loved to do, i couldn't remember what it felt like to have my own opinion, or wake up in the morning and have my own schedule. I don't remember what it felt like to have a person in my life who i could trust, and tell anything to, without them shutting me down. I didn't realize that i was so afraid to walk away, and dig myself out of this mess, because i was afraid i would be alone, i was afraid of myself, and my own opinions, i didn't think i was capable of standing up. When this whole time that i was on the ground, i was more alone than i had ever been. I understand that when your young, you take yourself down roads that you don't want to go down, only to find yourself back where you started. It's a bittersweet journey, filled with twists and turns. But if there's anything i have learned from this journey, it's that i don't regret much... After all of these twists and turns, and places i didn't want to be, i know i did what i wanted to do deep down at that time, and the mess i created, shouldn't upset me at all, it should make me proud that i did what i wanted, and when i got lost, i found my way back to the surface. I take it as a lesson learned, instead of a mistake that i made.


We have limited time on this planet (at least in this life) and now that i am free and standing tall, putting closure to all the chapters in this book.. I am ready to be fully alive, and feel all of the wonderful things this world has to offer. I may have to take some baby steps, but I'm going to make sure i make the best of this life. I will do everything i want to do, i will feel everything i want to feel, i will say all of the things i want to say, i will be myself, and i will never regret anything that I've done at any time in this life, because at some point it's what i really wanted, at one point it may have been the right thing, but sometimes the right thing can go wrong. I just want to be able to put a happy ending to this book, and be able to read it in my next life, with a smile on my face, because even with all the disappointment, let downs, and twists and turns somewhere in between i was happy, and alive.

What happens when we die?

I was lying awake in bed tonight, and i started to think about getting old, and time, and how short it is, as i tend to think about more than most people probably do.. And i ended up getting really freaked out, as i'm sure a lot of people do when they think about this mystery, of where we go when we die, and what happens to us when our brain shuts off. It's a really scary thought, and of course not knowing how we got here, makes it a lot scarier.


Sometimes i think it doesn't matter how we got here, and it won't matter how we die, because those are two things that we have absolutely no control over. It kind of irritates me that people tell me "i'm supposed to do the right thing" What the hell is the right thing?!?!?! Like since when did it become a "rule" that i HAVE to live a life with rules, so that when i die, i go "home"... It doesn't make sense to me at all... It doesn't matter to me where i go when i die, i will be dead. And in my opinion it's just a transfermation into another body, to experience something else. It's almost exciting sometimes to think about what i could be in my next life. Instead of dwelling on how i got here, and who i was in my past life, i like to think about what i could be in my next life, after all, that's more exciting to me, because i've grown, and learned.. and experienced. In my next life i will be stronger, and smarter.

After thinking these thoughts over and over again in my mind, and trying not to scare myself so bad that i would have an emotional break down, I went online to do some research, thinking to myself, Someone out there has to feel the way i do, and surely, they wrote about it. Well, it turns out that there are a lot of people who feel the way i do, and there are also people out there who claim to have died, and came back to life, and having an out of body experience. This really caught my interest, considering my current thoughts.. I started to read a few articles, and i came across one that was about a group of scientists who are going to be doing some research, over the next three years, with an experiment they plan on doing. The experiment, is that they are going to be studying the patients who claim they have had an out of body experience. Also, they will set up special shelving in resuscitation areas. The shelves hold pictures – but they're visible only from the ceiling. So that means that if any patients recall the images, it would be the first hard proof that out-of-body experiences are real. Dr Sam Parnia, who is leading the study at University of Southampton, said: 'If you can demonstrate that consciousness continues after the brain switches off, it allows for the possibility that the consciousness is a separate entity.

Many people have interviewed Dr. Sam Parnia, and asked some very interesting questions, it seems in my opinion that this is one smart person, and i can not wait to see what the experiment unfolds for the future. Weather it's good news, or bad news, it ends up being an answer regardless, and answers might make us rest more easy. To me, it's like even if i live a long life, and i'm lucky enough to have a family of my own, and even some grand children, maybe even some great grand children, i feel like i will still be afraid to die. Sometimes i think it's so sick that i feel like i'm under a large body of water with no idea when my oxygen will run out, it could run out at any time, and there are billions of others swimming around me, and i keep watching them lose there oxygen and float the the surface, in fear, wondering when i'm next...

I talk to a lot of people who claim that the end won't be so bad when we get old, because we will be so tired from this life, that wares us out so quickly, that we will be waiting for this rest that will last forever, and we will no longer be tired. But it just takes me right back to the one question that burns my every thought, Will i be left in the ultimate darkness? When i die, there will no longer be any thoughts and i'm sorry but that scares me!

When interviewed, here are some of the Q&A's
Between M.J. Stephey and Dr. Sam Parnia

What was your first interview like with someone who had reported an out-of-body experience?

Eye-opening and very humbling. Because what you see is that, first of all, they are completely genuine people who are not looking for any kind of fame or attention. In many cases they haven't even told anybody else about it because they're afraid of what people will think of them. I have about 500 or so cases of people that I've interviewed since I first started out more than 10 years ago. It's the consistency of the experiences, the reality of what they were describing. I managed to speak to doctors and nurses who had been present who said these patients had told them exactly what had happened, and they couldn't explain it. I actually documented a few of those in my book What Happens When We Die because I wanted people to get both angles —not just the patients' side but also the doctors' side — and see how it feels for the doctors to have a patient come back and tell them what was going on. There was a cardiologist that I spoke with who said he hasn't told anyone else about it because he has no explanation for how this patient could have been able to describe in detail what he had said and done. He was so freaked out by it that he just decided not to think about it anymore.

How is technology challenging the perception that death is a moment?

Nowadays, we have technology that's improved so that we can bring people back to life. In fact, there are drugs being developed right now — who knows if they'll ever make it to the market — that may actually slow down the process of brain-cell injury and death. Imagine you fast-forward to 10 years down the line; and you've given a patient, whose heart has just stopped, this amazing drug; and actually what it does is, it slows everything down so that the things that would've happened over an hour, now happen over two days. As medicine progresses, we will end up with lots and lots of ethical questions.

But what is happening to the individual at that time? What's really going on? Because there is a lack of blood flow, the cells go into a kind of a frenzy to keep themselves alive. And within about 5 min. or so they start to damage or change. After an hour or so the damage is so great that even if we restart the heart again and pump blood, the person can no longer be viable, because the cells have just been changed too much. And then the cells continue to change so that within a couple of days the body actually decomposes. So it's not a moment; it's a process that actually begins when the heart stops and culminates in the complete loss of the body, the decompositions of all the cells. However, ultimately what matters is, What's going on to a person's mind? What happens to the human mind and consciousness during death? Does that cease immediately as soon as the heart stops? Does it cease activity within the first 2 sec., the first 2 min.? Because we know that cells are continuously changing at that time. Does it stop after 10 min., after half an hour, after an hour? And at this point we don't know.

My own worse enemy.

I don't understand how easy it is sometimes for me to just sit in front of an empty screen, and every word that comes to my brain, my fingers can type onto this white page, and somehow they always seem to make perfect sense, to everyone else. The words that come from my head, are always helpful to someone else, and i can always find words to say to someone else, or know the perfect solutions to everyone else's problems, but when it comes to myself, i'm supposed to be the one person who has all the answers to give myself.. Yet, it never happens that way.


It's almost like i know the answers, they're there, i can see the solution, but i can't ever seem to put the pieces together in order to make a solid stepping ground to get to the next step. I feel like i'm constantly watching myself get knocked down, like i am standing on the sidelines of my own failure and i'm not doing anything about it. The worse part is, that i CAN do something about it, i am capable, i'm just too afraid. So many things have happen in my life that were out of my hands, that i wish i could have changed, and so many people have walked out on me, i have watched my own masterpiece crumble to the ground right in front of my face, and every time i tried to put the pieces back together, there was always someone, or something trying to knock it back down, and I have always stood there and let them. It's so frusterating, knowing that i let people destroy me, there are no fingers to be pointed, only myself to blame.. And there are people who know this, there are people watching me battle myself in order to put these broken pieces back together, and they take advantage, by making everything harder, they'll kick me down when i pick myself up, and any strength i gain along the way, they will make sure it's destroied. And i can forgive these people, over and over and over again, but i can't forgive myself?

I can't understand why i am my own worse enamy, and why i'm pulling myself apart instead of building myself a solid ground to walk on. I don't understand why i let people push me down just so they have something to walk on. I'm watching myself fade out, and won't do anything about it? I feel myself getting backed into a corner, and i know that in order to get out and move forward, i am going to have to make some decisions, i'm not going to be able to stand there and watch myself drown anymore, something has to be done, and facing it will be scary. I'm going to have to grab ahold of a monster who has been pulling my strings, and make sure i'm strong enough to never let it happen again... but the hardest part isn't gaining the strength to fight this battle, and it's not the battle itslf.. The worse part is knowing that monster is myself.. i have to defeat the dark part of me that is too weak to move.

Time in a broken glass.

There are so many unanswered questions that we all have in the back of our minds.. Questions that hit us out of nowhere sometimes.. and we search for answers, and eventually when the answers don't come, we just throw the question in the back of our minds, where that percent of our brain that we don't use, eats away all of the information we forget about.. And we all have theories, and opinions that rott away in our brain because they eventually change so many times that they lose the core, and without the core, everything else just starts to fade out.. The funniest thing about this fragile life we are living every second our heart beats, is that everything in our brain Won't matter one day... Everything we learn, everything we see, everything we touch and smell... It all goes away one day. And for a lot of us, it's sooo hard to accept that fact, and we spend so much of our life wasting away trying to answer these questions that DONT HAVE ANSWERS!! They really don't have answers, and i hate to say that, because it sounds rather negitive and cold, but it's very true.. The reason they don't have answers is because they are questions that apply to everyone Differently, there is no right answer.. And even if there was a right answer, is it really worth spending a lifetime trying to find? Because to me, since nothing matters when we shut our eyes perminately, shouldn't we be able to do whatever we want? I mean to me, everything we have here could be taken from us at any givin time, and yeah that IS scary, but it's not the time that is scary, its the TRUTH that is scary, we do leave this earth one day, weather it is tomorrow, or ten years, or fifty years... NO ONE KNOWS.. and i believe once you accept that fact, you can really live, your eyes will open all of the way, and you can be alive more then you ever have before.. Because once we let the truth in, in ANY situation.. even if the truth isn't what we wanted it to be, once we take in the truth, and accept it.. we are able to move. There is a difference between knowing the truth, and accepting it.. Because you can KNOW everything, but if you don't accept it you will be standing still, or going backwards.

It's crazy how i can pick up a magazine and on one page, there will be a picture of the earth, with a bunch of people smiling, or a page with some amazing new discovery, or a new cute for a horrible disease.. But then you turn the page, and it has a picture of a metling ice cap in captions reaading, "will we all die soon?" Again, the answer to that question DOESNT EXSIST YET and the cold hearted truth is, WE WONT KNOW UNTIL IT HAPPENS, and when it happens (because yes we all do die ONE DAY) it WONT EVEN MATTER.. It will be too late by then for it to even matter.. So for such a huge question that seems so important, it has absolutly no meaning when you strip away everything and are left with the cold hearted TRUTH.


Sometimes i ask myself simple questions..
1.) Have i loved in this life?
2.) Have i learned in this life?
3.) Have i felt love?
4.) Have i accomplished anything?
5.) Have i succeeded in anything?
6.) Have i helped others in this life?
7.) Have i smiled and felt true and complete happieness at ANY TIME in this life?

The answers to these questions are all YES!! and to me, that is all that matters.. and if i make it to the next day, it just means i am going forward.. and that's all i can keep doing.. Sometimes there will be some unexpected twists and turns, or i might get knocked down or pushed back, as long as i open my eyes to another day, it's impossible for me to NOT get back up, and find my way.. That's the true meaning of "beauty in a breakdown" Because there is always light, as long as our eyes are open, and our heart is beating, there is light.. there is hope.. It's almost funny, that what keeps me going evey day is knowing the next day migh be my last. But i DO consider it strength that i accept that, because i have watched people let it concome them, and take over, i have watched people get lost in a darkness so thick that i wonder if they will ever come back.. I've watched people get knocked down, and never get back up.. And i myself have been knocked down over and over and over again, sometimes i felt like it would just keep happening.. but one day, i realized even if it does keep happening, I'm not dead, my hourglass has not yet been broken, and the time is not spilling out, i'm still whole, and i am still capable. And that is enough to pick me up, and put me back on my path.

Incase of breakdown.. . . .

It's really hard to understand the way we work as human beings, i wish that when i was young, learning everything, there was some type of Manuel i could have read about what to do in case of a breakdown. It would have been nice, considering i break down more then i would have imagined. Maybe, i am just very young, or maybe i put myself in bad situations, with bad people? I'm not sure, but i know that it happens, and it happens more then i would like it to, and when it does happen i never know what to do to fix things... Or maybe, i do know, but i just don't want the solution to be the only way, so i stick around and try to make my own remedies, which ALWAYS end in disaster. I always put so much love and passion into things i love, which can range anywhere from people to my writing, And i'm almost never satisfied by what i get back. i hate to be a complainer and write a blog about "poor me" (though, really i don't feel sorry for myself) Anyway, i feel like i constantly give, and give, and in return i get shit on in almost every situation. I have noticed a bit of a pattern, and i'm starting to believe that it only happens so much because i let it, i never stop anything before it gets too far, but why would i, when i have a mind set of a person who believes everyone changes, for the better? When i meet a person i want to care about deeply, i put them so high, that i put the idea into my head that they will never fail me, or hurt me, because it's a lot easier then the truth, which is everyone is capable of hurting you.


It feels like a lot of the time i waste (which lately has been a lot) i turn into another person, though i never lose the real me inside, it's too strong to fade away.. I just can't understand how to balance things, or organize things, to make things clear to me? Time starts to slip away when i feel down, and feel broken, and then it's like i wake up one day sick to my stomach because i don't know what day it is, and can't understand how i wasted so much time feeling "sorry for myself" when i could have been making amazing things happen for myself. I guess it scares me knowing that our time here is a mysery and very limited, i don't want to wake up one day from my life, and realize there's no going back, and i'm 86 years old, with a wasted life, waiting for someone to change, waiting for my life to change.. I want to be that 86 year old who has so many wrinkles on my face from smiling my whole life, i want to be that 86 year old who has a family and friends, who i constantly tell stories to, about all of the great times, and things i did... I want to be the 86 year old who feels like no time i spent on this earth was ever wasted.

Animals.

I find it so fascinating how smart animals are, A lot of people disagree, and think they are just "stupid animals" Well i find that a little silly, considering if we were to be locked in a small house, with a bunch of things we couldn't understand, or communicate with, and never be able to do anything but eat the same old crap, sleep on a hard floor, and never be able to talk to anyone, we would lose our minds. And I'm saying that because it's what i think, it's a proven fact that we wouldn't have a normal functioning mind. I mean, dogs can learn so much, if you have enough time and Patience you would be amazed at what you can actually teach a dog!! I've seen dogs go "fetch" a shoe in a pile of shoes, and the man told him what color to get, and the dog pulled out the right shoe, in a pile of a bout 20 shoes... How can that even be possible, i think to myself sometimes.. But it is, and they keep amazing me every day.


Interesting Facts about Cats:

• The nose pad of a cat is ridged in a pattern that is unique, just like the fingerprint of a human.
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• A cat's heart beats twice as fast as a human heart, at 110 to 140 beats per minute.

• The largest cat breed is the Ragdoll. Males weigh twelve to twenty pounds, with females weighing ten to fifteen pounds. The smallest cat breed is the Singapura. Males weigh about six pounds while females weigh about four pounds.

• Cats have 290 bones in their bodies, and 517 muscles

• The oldest cat on record was Puss, from England, who died in 1939 just one day after her 36th birthday.

• The more cats are spoken to, the more they will speak to you.

Some interesting Facts about dogs:

• The oldest dog on record is 29 years old. He was an Australian Cattle-Dog.
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• They have super sensitive hearing - some can hear sounds 250 yards away - 100 times greater than humans.

• Puppy's don't open their eyes until they are 10 to 15 days old.

• Normal body temperature for a dog is 101.2F.

• The Greyhound is the fastest dog on earth. They are capable of reaching speeds up to 45 miles per hour.

• It is estimated that one million dogs in the United States have been named the primary beneficiary in their owner's will.

• Any dog trained to guide the blind cannot tell a red light from a green one. He watches the traffic flow to tell when it is safe to cross.

• Paris, France has more dogs than people.

Interesting Facts about Bunnies:

• A male rabbit is called a buck and a female rabbit is called a doe.

• A rabbit can see behind himself, without turning his head, but has a blind spot in front of his face.

• A rabbit sweats through the pads on its feet.

• Domestic rabbits cannot breed with wild rabbits.

• Rabbits can jump to a height of more than 36 inches.

• Rabbits can purr, just like a cat.

• Rabbits cannot vomit.

• Rabbits eat their own night droppings, known as cecotropes.
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• Rabbits need to eat hay, in order to assist their digestive system and prevent fur balls in their stomach.

• The teeth of a rabbit never stop growing.

• The record for the longest living rabbit is that of 19 years, while that of heaviest rabbit is 26 lbs.

the spider who weaves the perfect web.

Sometimes it's so easy to judge people, so easy, that i do it a lot more then i want to. Infact, i don't ever want to, and i find myself looking down on people, i find myself looking at very capable people who are mothers (capable of being better) and they're just treating there childrean like they mean nothing to them. And it makes me so sick to my stomach, and it's so hard to understand sometimes how there are women out there blessed enough to have such a beautiful gift, and then there are women out there who will never know the love between a mother and a child. Sometimes i think that's so unfair and horrible that i don't realize how judgemental i'm being... It doesn't take much to look at ANYONE and be able to place judgement, i have made enough mistakes, and i'm very far from perfect myself, and i'm sure there are people out there who judge me.. I Just want to know, if there are actually people out there who do not place judgement at all? Is it really possible to see such failures out there and be able to say a prayer for them with out looking at them as if they are so pathetic. If it is possible, i want to achieve it.


Sometimes i really see life as one huge spider web, Everyone is so tangled in a never ending chain of webbing. It just means, that everyone has there own problems, there own mess of some sort, tangled up trying to find a way out.. There are so many people trapped in there web, and can't seem to find the next move to make. I guess, what i'm trying to say is that there are people out there who are so tangled up in there own mess that when it gets to hard, they give up, they never feel the relaxation of being able to move forward, without any work. It's really easy to just decide it's too much work, and stop trying. But is it easier then succeeding? If you really think about it, yeah it's a lot of work to work for the things you want in life, but is it really easier to give up on yourself? When, giving up means constantly untangling your web for the rest of your life? It's a lot to think about, and probably a bit confusing.. but when i think about this tanlged mess i weave sometimes, i think about how easy it is to untagle myself when i just apply myself to the fullest, and then i watch others struggling with everything they have to be where they want to be, and i try to help as much as i can, sometimes i try to help others so much, i forget about my own self. It's hard to remember sometimes, that we are always the creater of our own webs, at the end of the day when we're trapped in our mess, we were the ones who weaved ourselfs in the middle of it.

Every beat means something.

Lately, I've been appreciating the fact that i found love in this life a lot more. Sometimes i tend to feel angry, or upset with the person i love, sometimes i take his love for granite... And I'm starting to really see beyond the surface here. I'm really starting to realize how grateful i should be to have love at all. Weather this love lasts until our eyes close for that sweet sleep, or dies out tomorrow, i'm still very thankful, that i met a person, who taught me more then i would have ever thought i could learn in such a short period of time. In a way, he helped me find myself better then i would have ever been able to. Sometimes, it's such a great feeling to know there is a person just like me in this world, whos heart beats with mine.



It can be so scary when you really start to see the reality in life, that one day everything fades away, the people, the places, and all of the things you know and love, they all fade away, and one day nothing that mattered to you so dearly, will not even matter at all. But being in love, and sharing everything that i have at this moment in time, with another person, a person who makes your world just a little brighter, makes everything less scary, and a little easier to accept. Because i really believe that when you find someone who loves you enough, even if it's just for the shortest of time, it REALLY is enough to make you feel like you received one of the Greatest gifts in life, true love. Because once your heart has been opened, and you're able to see life in a new aspect, you become a new person, a person who greatly appreciates everything you have, and of course, one day you will have to say goodbye to the person you love, it happens, and we all know it does. But there will always be that warmth in your heart, and those pictures in your head (if it's the real thing) of a time, and a place where you felt the best feeling there is to feel.

Scattered pieces of a puzzle.

Every now and then when my mind seems to skim through all of the memories of people and places i have stored away in the back of my mind, i stop and let myself indulge in the moment and it starts to bring me back to these times... Some of them are the best times, some of them are the worse times, but lately, it's taken me back to one memory in particular.


South Carolina

For some reason, i can't seem to get the memory out of my head. It could be because it was the first time where i was alone, really. I Had reasons to be there, but as those reasons seemed to get less, and less important, i started to appreciate what was really around me. As soon as i blocked out everything else, and focused on this pure, rich land, i became to fall in love with my surroundings. It may seem a little crazy, but it was the first time in my life i ever felt like i was supposed to be where i was. I can't explain the feeling that i felt.. It was like the strongest sense of Deja Vu i had ever felt before. These beautiful trees bending through through the streets, that were so alive with old energy, the sweet smell of the air, the ocean swaying back and fourth as the sun set and left the most beautiful colors in the clear sky, breath taking.
There was tall grass, which every time the light breeze would glaze the marash you could see every blade of grass slide against the other, Everywhere you looked, lovers holding hands.


I remember sitting in a Resturant, in the heart of downtown Charleston, and i got this sudden feeling of being in that exact place before. My body filled with chills, and i couldn't believe how real it felt, actually feeling like i've been some place i had never been in my life. I walked through a park afterwords, alone, it had a large water fountain and dipping my feet in, watching the ships in the ocean which was always in view while walking through this beautiful park... I felt like i was retracing my own foot steps, and it was the most calm, and relaxing feeling i had felt in such a long time. It was the first time i was ever alone and still felt so complete, and so peaceful. I felt like i belonged there, i felt like i never wanted to leave. Some of the streets i walked on, were made of red brick, and horse drawn carrages brushed by me, beautiful old buildings everywhere i looked, and the most freindly people i had ever seen before. There were beautiful flowers, and gardens around every corner... The history was screaming so loud through all of this beautiful earth, i couldn't help but take it in and appreciate every single inch of the ground i was walking on. Being there really changed my view on this beautiful earth we live on, and i believe it's there that i grew up a little more, and began to cherish my life, more then i'd ever thought about.


I know it sounds a little silly, but i truly believe that somewhere in another life, i walked those streets before, i touched those flowers with my flesh, and smelled the fresh air with my nose. I Really believe that the reason this amazing place gave me such a peace, and such a calm piece of mind, is because the pieces of my past life started to piece together a memory, one that i couldn't have ever possibly grasped without collecting the pieces of my past that my previous life left scattered around this magnificint world that we live in.


Just thinking about that time in my life, brings me the best peace i could ask for. Sometimes, i feel so sad for not staying, or going back, and i don't really know if maybe one day in the future i will return to that lovely place, or maybe this life holds other things for me... either way, i am happy to be blessed with such a beautiful world to live in.. and I will never forget the long days, and summer nights i spent in this amazing place.

Life is a paper.

I picture life as a huge white sheet of paper, the paper resembles the never ending possibilities this life holds, what can fit on that paper is like the mystery of not knowing how much time we have left. The wrighting that falls onto that paper, is our freewill, we can write anything we want on our paper and it will fall into place, even if the spelling is a bit off or even unreadable.(which could resemble weather or not we have regrets) But the beauty is that what gets written, is in pen there is no eraser, there's only more blank space to write the next sentence even better then the last to make up for what you want to erase, And that could be a good thing sometimes, because sometimes in our life, we wish to erase things a lot, But like our paper, if we go back in time to read over what we wrote, we might be glad that we never erased it after all.

Sometimes we want to put the pen down and not write for awhile, but the problem is, even if we put the pen down, the space will still be lost, if you follow? Sometimes the ink can flow out of the pen so perfectly and the words will fall together like a puzzle you thought you could never solve, and other times you will be so frustrated by the way all these letters tend to scramble on the page, feeling like it's almost impossible to put them together. And other people will come along, you'll notice how much space they take up on your paper, and sometimes you'll want that, other times you will feel like your running out of space for your own writing. Sometimes, they'll make it even harder to find the words to write, makes it even harder for the ink to flow.

Sometimes, there will be people who read your page and place judgement, even though you have no eraser, and couldn't have ever erased the things you don't other people to see, it will always be there, for people to see, and they will read it, and judge you by those mistakes you have made. Sometimes, you will hand your paper to someone else with pride, thinking they will admire you, and you will be suprised by the way they rip your paper in half. There are some people who will change the whole subject of there paper in order to make someone like what they wrote down. But the only way you will ever enjoy your paper, when all the space is faded out, and your pen no longer works, is to never lose your subject, never change your subject and to keep the subject strong through out the paper. Because, when you write, it comes from the heart, and flows through you so purely, and when it comes out on this white empty space, nothing feels better then to let the power of your heart, gather the thoughts from your mind and be SHINE so bright all over this white sheet of paper, i like to call LIFE.

Goodbye sweet summer.

So summer is pretty much over, and i have to say i am going to miss the long beautiful days spent by the pool, the beautiful mornings with absolutely perfect weather. Although, i am happy to be in a state with a warm winter, NO SNOW! The only thing that makes me sad is that i am going to miss the Michigan fall. The one and only thing about Michigan that i love the most is the season of colors! Watching the leaves change colors, and the streets become bright, watching the wind blow around all different shades of nature, as they tumble softly to the ground creating piles of beautiful leafs. And the cider mills, with the sweet smell of apple cider and all the animals preparing for winter. The haunted houses, and decorated homes, the unique costumes you see on Halloween night.. Long walks through the park with the smell of nature swaying through the air. Bright sunshines in the early morning that show the beauty of the season. The cool breeze that hits your face, and the fresh air that brings you peace.



I have to say, i really wish that i was successful enough to own a house in Michigan for the summer and fall seasons, and then live here for Winter and spring! There really is no perfect place for me to be, but if i had the best of both worlds, it would be near perfect for me.





Cheers for the upcoming season!
Hope everyone enjoys the weather, where ever you are.

Amazing women

While i went for a walk this morning, i started to really think about how lucky i am to be a women in todays world. It's hard to believe that not too long ago women were treated horribly, and in some countries, they're still treated that way. Looked down upon, viewed as incapable, and used. Sure, some men in America today still feel that way about women, but the best part of being a women today is that we are allowed to have our own opinion. We are allowed to create things, and we are allowed to shine! Some men hate the fact that we have an opinion, and that we have our own views in life, but at the end of the day we are allowed, and we should never forget that. Always remember that you have these rights, and that you can actually provide a life for yourself on your own. You can work, you can vote, you can have a say in just about anything you want, and that's pretty amazing considering how women used to have it. Sometimes we forget how hard other women in the past worked to make it this way for us today. So in appreciation to these amazing women, here are some interesting facts about amazing women who changed history.



1490 BC Queen Hatshepsut- Crowned herself King.

1200 BC Fu Hao- consort to emperor Wu Ding, she was an esteemed warrior who led military expeditions.

1650 Anne Bradstreet- First published poet in American History.

1678 Elena Lucrezia Cornaro Piscopia- First woman to receive a doctorate. She received this degree in Philosophy at the University of Padua.

1773 Phillis Wheatley- First African-American to publish a book.


1793 Marie Antoinette- was beheaded.


1846 Sarah Bagley- First woman telegrapher.

1849 Elizabeth Blackwell- first US woman to earn her medical degree.


1850 The first women's medical school opened-the Women's Medical College of Pennsylvania

1866 Lucy Hobbs- First woman to graduate from dental school.

1867 Emily Greene Balch- First woman to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

1869 Elizabeth Cady Stanton- First woman to testify before Congress.


1879 Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood- First woman lawyer admitted to appearbefore the US Supreme Court.

1881 Clara Barton- Founded the American Red Cross.

1891 Irene Coit- First woman admitted to Yale University.

1896 Martha Hughes Cannon- first female senator (Utah)

1902 Martha Washington- First woman to appear on a US stamp.

1916 Jeannette Rankin (Montana)- was the first woman elected to Congress.

1932 Amelia Earhart- First woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean.

1933 Minnie D. Craig- First woman elected to be the speaker for a state house of representatives.

1949 Eugenie Anderson- first female US ambassador. She became ambassador to Denmark.

1962 Edith Spurlock Sampson- Sworn in as the first female BlackAmerican judge.

1963 Valentina Vladimirovna Tereshkova- First woman in space.

1978 Harriet Tubman- Became the first African American woman on a US Stamp.

1978 Mary Clarke- First female major general in the US Air Force.

1991 Grace Brewster Murray Hopper- First individual to receive the US Medal of Technology.

Want to look better?

The other day i came across this pretty cool website that will actually let you upload your picture and try hair styles, make up and contacts styles on your face to see what you would look like if you decided to make a change. It's pretty cool because i was looking to lighten my own hair and when i came across that site, it helped me realize i wouldn't look very good as a platinum blonde.




You have to make an account, but it takes no longer than five minutes and it's so worth it because you can keep going back as many times as you want! Most other websites that let you do this charge a pretty good amount of money to do something like that.. So i think it's well worth it to just spend some extra time signing up with them.

After you've signed up, you just type in make-over matic in the search box, and click the link that says make-over-o-matic, and upload your picture and follow the instructions from there. I would suggest using a picture of your hair being in a pony-tale. Once your trying on hair colors and styles, you can chose the "hide hair" option in the bottom right side of the options.

here's the website

Change your hair CLICK Here!

the end of the world this wednessday??

Earlier this morning i was doing some research on the presidential camieghn to see what the latest was, since i have been sort of out of the loop the last few days. I ended up stumbling across some rather interesting information.

This wednessday (September.10th, 2008) a group of scientists at CERN are supposed to turn on a very important machine that is supposed to prove the big bang theory.

My opinion honestly, is that i love science, BUT i think this is so wrong!!!

seriously, WHO CARES if god isn't real, and this world was created by science, let people believe whatever they want, DOES HOW WE GOT HERE EVEN MATTER THAT MUCH, WHEN WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ANYWAY?

It makes me very angry to know that there are people out there wasting there entire life trying to make a point. And what if they are so right, and they prove there little point? Then they'll just feel so stupid in the end, for wasting so much of there time, only to realize they wasted so much of there life away, TO FIND OUT THAT WHEN WE DIE we don't go anywhere!!


for my readers, i would like to know your opinion, and any other information you have regarding this post.


HERE IS SOME MORE INFORMATION:

A huge particle accelerator experiment is about to start and a tiny group of people believe it could spell the end of the world. But why are we so obsessed with the possibility of apocalypse?

The world will end. That much is a certainty. But it may not be soon. And in all probability it will not come to a shuddering, fiery, boiling, cataclysmic end on Wednesday this week.

THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER At Cern on French-Swiss border One of biggest and most expensive experiments in human history Critics say micro black holes could be created, that could swallow the earth Cern says any black holes will evaporate quickly and harmlessly Effects will be less than cosmic ray collisions in atmosphere Collisions could shed light on creation of universe First beam on Wednesday First collision later in year Action ongoing at European Court of Human Rights to stop experiments LHC Kritiks lead opposition 'Big Bang machine' fires up Cern's LHC safety page

That is when the Large Hadron Collider on the Swiss/French border has its first full beam. The collider is a giant particle accelerator which, by smashing one particle into another, will tell us amazing things about the birth of the universe, scientists hope.

But there are a small but significant group of naysayers who worry that the LHC is not 100% safe. Opponents say it cannot be definitively said that in a worst case scenario the collider will not produce micro black holes and dangerous "strangelets".

In this worst case scenario the earth could very well have had its chips.

However, the consensus of physicists is that the collider is perfectly harmless.

But when you see a headline in a newspaper that says "Are we all going to die next Wednesday?", one can't help but wonder at our fascination with the idea of the end of the world.

I'll be waiting on a hot air balloon.

It's absolutely amazing how fast a day goes by, and how fast a day turns into a year, and before we know it your life is almost over. It's almost like being on a ride, and every now and then the ride slows down, and you start to realize the ride doesn't keep going forever, and pretty soon before you know it the ride will be over. Everyone has thought about it, but i don't think that many people realize how serious it is. One day we'll all be gone forever, and to be quite honest, i believe everyone takes this life for granted. Take a look around this world, it can be anything you want it to be, if you think it's too dangerous, or too scary, or you're angry with people in this world, then you'll never be happy. This world does have it's flaws, just like the people who breathe the air on it's surface, but if you really open your eyes and look beyond the people, and the bad things, you will see so many things.

I live for long walks, no matter where it might be, just to step outside of my own life for awhile place myself along the outside for awhile. Seeing children playing, animals running free, the wind wiping through the trees, lovers holding each other and other people just like me living there every day life. Those things make me happy because the spirits of all of those people are so alive and full of positive energy, and if you stop and think about how beautiful it is to just be alive, you'll feel more alive then you ever have.

Sometimes i do get a little scared of death, and what will happen to me when i leave this beautiful place. I do believe in god, though sometimes the thoughts and the fear is still in the back of my head. It's hard to not be sad about leaving this place when you think of all the great wonderful things that you've seen. But something i have realized is that even if what i believe isn't true and i leave this earth only to be disappointed by the fact that there is no heaven, at least i believed in something, because a life of not believing in anything is a very sad thing. Though, it's hard for me to understand how people don't believe in anything. With all of these beautiful miracles and signs, how could you turn your head the other way and pretend like there is an explanation. Don't get me wrong, it's not that i think it's wrong to not believe. I don't think there is any correct way to live your life, or any correct belief that you should follow. To me, as long as you are happy and have no regrets, at the end of your life, you will find your peace before you shut your eyes.

My escape.

I can still remember when i was little, the very first vacation i ever went on, it was a trip to the upper peninsula of Michigan. Driving through the woods, all of the different colored leafs in piles lying next to the towering trees they fell from. The cool air that swept across my face, the fresh air that smelled so calming and crisp. It was the first time that i ever felt completely safe. I felt as if i could walk through the paths the trees made, and get lost in those woods and be the happiest i could ever be in life. It was my very own escape. I remember sitting on a tree stump which stood on top of a hill that overlooked every feeling of peace anyone would ever need.

It was there that i realized if i could just keep going to these places all of the time, i could escape all of the time. It was so different from being at home, where everyone was fighting, i was constantly worried about my mother, who was always depressed, her worries always became mine, even if i was only seven years old. I knew that i wanted to be alone in those woods, where no one could hurt my feelings, where there wouldn't be anyone else's worries to make my own. But the older i got, the farther away that place seemed to be, sometimes it felt almost impossible to reach that place ever again.

I just think it's so amazing how one little place can change your whole outlook on life, weather it be temporary, or permanent. And the older i get, the more places i see, the more people i meet, i start to see that this world is filled with people and places that can make you feel the way i felt that day. I guess what i am trying to say is that no matter how sad i get, no matter how hard things get, even if i feel like i'm at the end of my rope, and just can't handle this "life" anymore, the thought of these people and places, is what keeps me going. I have hurt a lot in my life, seen some horrible things, thought my life would never get better, but as weird as it sounds, i've stumbled across some beautiful places, and people who made me feel like i was on top of the world which in the process made those bad things seem so small.

So when you're on the bottom looking up, trying not to drown in your problems, just remember that every bad thing you go through, one day will be so tiny while your on top looking down, that it's almost worth it.

It is what it is. . . .

When the sun came bursting into the sky this morning, i was just shutting my eyes...
I couldn't get much sleep, due to thought overload in my brain. It's strange
how your bed is supposed to be the place where you go to fall asleep and rest your mind,
However, in my bed is where my head can do everything else EXCEPT REST! Also where some of my most brilliant thoughts surface, and where all of my worries attack me at once. Sleep depervation seems to be one of my most common issues.

Mainly, all my thoughts seem to be focusing on growing up, and entering real adulthood.
Maybe because everything in my life has changed so drastically, Now that the physical portions are all caught up, like moving into a new house, having a child, bills, and responsibilities i never had to worry about, Now the mental portion is catching up. To be honest, it's happening too soon!! It feels like just a few weeks ago i was still worrying about simple things in life, like sleeping in all day, and only have a few hours to do my hair and make up to go out to a party around the block. Now here i am worried about bills, jobs, and my family. Sometimes i find myself asking "Now that those days have come and gone, am i even the same person?" It really feels like i'm a whole new person sometimes, new life, new people, new worries.. What happen?

I constantly wonder if there are other people in the world who think among the same thoughts i dwell on... Are there people out there who at this very moment are wondering the same things i am wondering? And if so, do they feel the same way i feel?

I would really love to meet people, and hear what thoughts they dwell on, what feelings they are feeling, and how it affects them.