A hollow soul.

Facing the window; my eyes are stuck in a blurr

and my mind on thoughts that hollow my soul.

I see how big this world is, and i feel as if i am just

floating through it, watching all of the people be alive and free.

The birds fly through the neverending sky, the possibilities seem

as if they are just as big as the sky there wings are beautifully

soaring through. . .

I see childrean running free; smiles in tact

Worryfree, they are.

Couples holding hands, The look of destiny painted on

there glowing soul.

I can't help but feel as if there is nothing inside of me.

Empty, i am.

I reach for a lovers hand, it is pulled away.

I see my future in my sons eyes, yet i feel as if someone

hit the pause button.

Time is passing by my closed eyes.

I do not want to watch.

There are pieces of my soul scattered

in circles around me, and i have no more energy

to place them together.

I look into the eyes i once saw love;

they are hollow.

There is nothing there.

I touch the skin that was once warm,

it is cold.

i wrap myself into arms that once secured me,

there is no longer security in them.

Where has it gone?

A loud noise breaks my thoughts,

I am able to escape the pain for a moment.

the moment is floating by, just as i.

there are two equal parts in a heart.

Nothing hurts worse in a relationship, then realizing the end is the best thing possible. The more time you spend with this person you love, the more you realize the train is about to derail and crash into the next nearest tree. It's a horrible feeling when you have to let go of someone you love and once thought would be in your life forever.. Someone who became your family at some point, and in the end, will become a stranger. I let this person into my life, The very first person i ever put my trust into, the first person i gave my whole heart to, the first person i was ever comfortable enough around to show him who i really was, with confidence. Words could never express the way i loved him.. And it's very sad and horrible that i have to tell this person goodbye.. But there comes a point in life where you reach a fork and you have to make a tough decision in which way you have to go, and because the people we meet in this life we live, even the ones who make the biggest impact, will not always be there. And at the end of the day you still leave this world alone, so at the end of everything you are the most important person in your life. So when you reach that fork in the road and you have to really break it all down.. and ask yourself if your happy... the question left me empty inside.. for the longest time i was stuck at this fork. But then it hit me, I thought about how i am constantly trying to shove me in his face, so he can see me.. I feel so invisible and tiny. I've put so much into this relationship, gave my heart and at the end of every day i still feel like i have to do something special all the time just so he knows i'm there, like if i were to stop doing special things, he wouldn't know i was there. Every birthday, and holiday it was a struggle just to have a day of my own where i am supposed to be remembered, and appreciated.

It's a hard pill to swollow, but it's something that will benifit me in the end. The worse part of this is, he may never fully understand the way i really felt about him, he may never really see what was going on inside my head, and heart. He may never know what it felt like to understand the kind of love that ran to the deepest depth love can reach, that i had for him. He thinks that i never trusted him, the truth is when you fall in love with a person, the way i loved this person, trust is what makes it possible to fall. I was just jealous of the attention he gave complete strangers, when i'm supposed to be a special kind of person in his life.. I was always in a race with random people for his attention. I had to fight as hard as i could just to be able to fall asleep with that feeling in my stomach that i was loved.. that the feelings i've put into another person were returning to me in the best way possible.. and i spent so many nights feeling empty instead. I spent hundreds of nights in bed by myself wondering what it would take, things i could do to show him i exsist. What a sad thing to try to show someone who tells you they "love you". What a miserable way to live, fighting for what is supposed to already be yours. My heart was breaking over and over again, I never would imagine someone that once made me feel so important, and on top of the world, would make me feel so alone, and small. I feel like something went very wrong, he went one way, and i went another way.. And the whole time we were alone but pretended to be next to eachother, just so the word alone didn't seem so scary.

I've had to be at war with myself, it's never been so hard.. to wake up in the morning and like the person who i am when i've failed myself from being happy. I couldn't make someone see me, i lost in this constant race to be better then someone just for a little attention. I couldn't be better then anyone, because the whole time what i was searching for inside of him, didn't exsist. I could never be beautiful in his eyes, i could never be smart, and important, i could never be better then anyone in anyway what so ever. I can not let myself fall anymore, i can not beat myself up another day, i can not dis-like the person i am because i am never seen in someone elses eyes. I can not lose this fight another day, because the day i walk away, the fight will end. I have to let go of this neve ending battle, throw in the gloves, and walk away.

Artificial.

This is a little depressing, but do you ever wonder how many people you see every day are just pretending to be so happy? Do you ever wonder if everyone stopped pretending to be something they are not, what this world would really be like? I mean think of how many people out there have such wonderful personalities, such unique beauty under the skin, that no one will ever see, because they are terrified to be themselves? It is quite sad when it comes down to how artificial this world really is. There are times when you can meet a bunch of people in one week, and it will seem like they are all the same. When you are in high school it seems like everyone wants the same things, everyone watches the same tv shows, everyone picks the same ideas for projects in classes.. Everyone dresses the same... But what if for one day it didn't matter what anyone thinks, what if for one day, no one cared what people think? Everyone could walk down the street in the clothes that they really want to wear, miss matching or not, no one would care because it wouldn't matter for that day. They could watch the tv shows they want, and enjoy the projects that they uniquely picked the idea for, and no one would think they were weird just because they have a beautiful thing inside that is being different. But i wonder, if nothing mattered, and no one cared, would unique still equal beauty? Would someones creativity still seem beautiful? Would it still stand out? It might not, but at least the smiles would be more genuine. At least there would be less violence in this world, because being different wouldn't be a bad thing anymore. At least some talents that the world may never see, because they are so afraid that it's weird, or too different, could be brought to the surface. Never really thought about it before. It seems too hard, it seems so impossible, but all it takes is a few people to really show how beautiful being different can be, and i know others would soon do the same thing.

insecurity.

There is a world filled with defined beauty, that lies within every person that walks along a journey that we know as life. Along this journey we will find things that will make us really see the beauty that we posses, and along this journey we will also find things that can make that same beauty so hard to see, that it's almost faded away. Once a person feels they posses no beauty, it becomes very though to find that beauty ever again. They will make accomplishments and see bits and pieces of their beauty... And certain times, there unique outlook on there journey, there intelligence, and creativity can make them see more and more. But looking back on the times they felt un-beautiful it can weaken them, and make them fragile. They will do whatever they can do to feel more and more beautiful. And if they are lucky enough to feel this beauty again, and really see it deep inside, they want nothing more then to hold on to it. They gain a self worth, knowing they are worth something... That every person is worth something, and there is someone in this overly crowded world that will think they're worth more then anything. But what happens when they meet a person who they think is worth so much more then anyone else they've ever met?. Expecting the same from this person, they see the most beautiful thing this world has to offer LOVE. And when they love another person, not only is there beauty defined again, but the love has put an even more appealing twist into the beauty.

But what happens when they realize, that this person who can make you feel more beautiful then you have ever felt in your life time, can also completely diminish your worth... Take away all of your beauty, and strip you completely to what feels like nothing? They can tell you that you are not beautiful, and that you aren't worth anything at all.. eventually it starts to become more believable and they start to think it's true. Falling to the bottom, they start to feel worthless, and incompetent . They have taken something so fragile, and crushed it into a million pieces, completely tearing them apart. It then becomes there job to try everything they can to pick up the pieces and put thyself back together, try to find the beauty that has been buried so deep it's starting to feel impossible to find... And all the while they are working so hard to fix everything, someone can come knock it all down again, picking each piece that tearing it apart even more. It's really hard to feel like you're worth anything at all, when the one most important person in your life, who you love with your whole heart, doesn't see it. They never tell you your beautiful, or tell you they care about you. They never go out of there way to make you feel special.

And then what if the same person who has taken your self worth, and destroyed it, starts to suddenly see the beauty that even you can't find... and all those broken pieces start to put themselves back together again. Everything seems to feel like it's falling into place, except you still can't find this beauty inside. Those words still stab you like sharp knives to your chest. What do you do then? How do you find this rich and pure beauty that you want so badly to see?

Beauty.

I watched the clouds hover over the mountains while the sun was preparing to rest, another day gone. I took a moment to breathe in the air and let the wind blow through my hair, and touch my face. I watched passerby's living there life, Saw all the emotions, from smiles to frowns... Started to think about all that i have accomplished in the past year, and felt a smile start to force my lips upward. Sometimes it's as easy as looking around, opening your eyes, opening your mind, and letting all of the negative energy go. Take a deep breathe and really look around.. See the earth, and how beautiful it is, see the smiling people, and how bright there glow is... It can make everything negative seem so small, it's up to you, to hold onto that moment for as long as you can, or to let it pass by.

Closure.

I see my life as a book sometimes, one that has some ripped pages, and stained pages. The book is unfinished, because there are chapters in the book that i could not get an ending to, but i still moved on to a new chapter, and each chapter seems to be a little thicker, and more interesting than the last. I have learned a long the way, that there are many people in this life who will pick the book up and open it from the middle, reading only what they want to read, and not what's truly there.. Not knowing the beginning of the story, they automatically place judgement. I have met people in this world who want to rip the pages out, and take things away from what's really there. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are people who will only see what they want to see, they will take bits and pieces of a situation they don't know enough about, and throw there hurtful words around, smacking you in the face. There are actually people out there who you Will meet, that will put labels on you, and try there best to be able to see you fall down, all in disguise.

I believe that in this life, i have made mistakes, i have said the wrong things more than the right things, I've done things that i thought i wouldn't ever do, and yet when i look back on everything i can still smile. I have been hurt more than i have been loved, i have said goodbye to all the people i thought i would never have to say those words to. Recently, i came across a person who i took a great interest in. Being young and nieve, i gave him everything, i made sacrifices that i shouldn't have made, i tossed my life, and everything i knew aside so i could start this new one.. There were many times i looked back, and wanted to turn around. I gave this person everything and did whatever he said. It wasn't until i was so buried in a mess that i made, that i noticed i had forgotten who i was. I couldn't remember what it felt like to do the things i loved to do, i couldn't remember what it felt like to have my own opinion, or wake up in the morning and have my own schedule. I don't remember what it felt like to have a person in my life who i could trust, and tell anything to, without them shutting me down. I didn't realize that i was so afraid to walk away, and dig myself out of this mess, because i was afraid i would be alone, i was afraid of myself, and my own opinions, i didn't think i was capable of standing up. When this whole time that i was on the ground, i was more alone than i had ever been. I understand that when your young, you take yourself down roads that you don't want to go down, only to find yourself back where you started. It's a bittersweet journey, filled with twists and turns. But if there's anything i have learned from this journey, it's that i don't regret much... After all of these twists and turns, and places i didn't want to be, i know i did what i wanted to do deep down at that time, and the mess i created, shouldn't upset me at all, it should make me proud that i did what i wanted, and when i got lost, i found my way back to the surface. I take it as a lesson learned, instead of a mistake that i made.


We have limited time on this planet (at least in this life) and now that i am free and standing tall, putting closure to all the chapters in this book.. I am ready to be fully alive, and feel all of the wonderful things this world has to offer. I may have to take some baby steps, but I'm going to make sure i make the best of this life. I will do everything i want to do, i will feel everything i want to feel, i will say all of the things i want to say, i will be myself, and i will never regret anything that I've done at any time in this life, because at some point it's what i really wanted, at one point it may have been the right thing, but sometimes the right thing can go wrong. I just want to be able to put a happy ending to this book, and be able to read it in my next life, with a smile on my face, because even with all the disappointment, let downs, and twists and turns somewhere in between i was happy, and alive.

What happens when we die?

I was lying awake in bed tonight, and i started to think about getting old, and time, and how short it is, as i tend to think about more than most people probably do.. And i ended up getting really freaked out, as i'm sure a lot of people do when they think about this mystery, of where we go when we die, and what happens to us when our brain shuts off. It's a really scary thought, and of course not knowing how we got here, makes it a lot scarier.


Sometimes i think it doesn't matter how we got here, and it won't matter how we die, because those are two things that we have absolutely no control over. It kind of irritates me that people tell me "i'm supposed to do the right thing" What the hell is the right thing?!?!?! Like since when did it become a "rule" that i HAVE to live a life with rules, so that when i die, i go "home"... It doesn't make sense to me at all... It doesn't matter to me where i go when i die, i will be dead. And in my opinion it's just a transfermation into another body, to experience something else. It's almost exciting sometimes to think about what i could be in my next life. Instead of dwelling on how i got here, and who i was in my past life, i like to think about what i could be in my next life, after all, that's more exciting to me, because i've grown, and learned.. and experienced. In my next life i will be stronger, and smarter.

After thinking these thoughts over and over again in my mind, and trying not to scare myself so bad that i would have an emotional break down, I went online to do some research, thinking to myself, Someone out there has to feel the way i do, and surely, they wrote about it. Well, it turns out that there are a lot of people who feel the way i do, and there are also people out there who claim to have died, and came back to life, and having an out of body experience. This really caught my interest, considering my current thoughts.. I started to read a few articles, and i came across one that was about a group of scientists who are going to be doing some research, over the next three years, with an experiment they plan on doing. The experiment, is that they are going to be studying the patients who claim they have had an out of body experience. Also, they will set up special shelving in resuscitation areas. The shelves hold pictures – but they're visible only from the ceiling. So that means that if any patients recall the images, it would be the first hard proof that out-of-body experiences are real. Dr Sam Parnia, who is leading the study at University of Southampton, said: 'If you can demonstrate that consciousness continues after the brain switches off, it allows for the possibility that the consciousness is a separate entity.

Many people have interviewed Dr. Sam Parnia, and asked some very interesting questions, it seems in my opinion that this is one smart person, and i can not wait to see what the experiment unfolds for the future. Weather it's good news, or bad news, it ends up being an answer regardless, and answers might make us rest more easy. To me, it's like even if i live a long life, and i'm lucky enough to have a family of my own, and even some grand children, maybe even some great grand children, i feel like i will still be afraid to die. Sometimes i think it's so sick that i feel like i'm under a large body of water with no idea when my oxygen will run out, it could run out at any time, and there are billions of others swimming around me, and i keep watching them lose there oxygen and float the the surface, in fear, wondering when i'm next...

I talk to a lot of people who claim that the end won't be so bad when we get old, because we will be so tired from this life, that wares us out so quickly, that we will be waiting for this rest that will last forever, and we will no longer be tired. But it just takes me right back to the one question that burns my every thought, Will i be left in the ultimate darkness? When i die, there will no longer be any thoughts and i'm sorry but that scares me!

When interviewed, here are some of the Q&A's
Between M.J. Stephey and Dr. Sam Parnia

What was your first interview like with someone who had reported an out-of-body experience?

Eye-opening and very humbling. Because what you see is that, first of all, they are completely genuine people who are not looking for any kind of fame or attention. In many cases they haven't even told anybody else about it because they're afraid of what people will think of them. I have about 500 or so cases of people that I've interviewed since I first started out more than 10 years ago. It's the consistency of the experiences, the reality of what they were describing. I managed to speak to doctors and nurses who had been present who said these patients had told them exactly what had happened, and they couldn't explain it. I actually documented a few of those in my book What Happens When We Die because I wanted people to get both angles —not just the patients' side but also the doctors' side — and see how it feels for the doctors to have a patient come back and tell them what was going on. There was a cardiologist that I spoke with who said he hasn't told anyone else about it because he has no explanation for how this patient could have been able to describe in detail what he had said and done. He was so freaked out by it that he just decided not to think about it anymore.

How is technology challenging the perception that death is a moment?

Nowadays, we have technology that's improved so that we can bring people back to life. In fact, there are drugs being developed right now — who knows if they'll ever make it to the market — that may actually slow down the process of brain-cell injury and death. Imagine you fast-forward to 10 years down the line; and you've given a patient, whose heart has just stopped, this amazing drug; and actually what it does is, it slows everything down so that the things that would've happened over an hour, now happen over two days. As medicine progresses, we will end up with lots and lots of ethical questions.

But what is happening to the individual at that time? What's really going on? Because there is a lack of blood flow, the cells go into a kind of a frenzy to keep themselves alive. And within about 5 min. or so they start to damage or change. After an hour or so the damage is so great that even if we restart the heart again and pump blood, the person can no longer be viable, because the cells have just been changed too much. And then the cells continue to change so that within a couple of days the body actually decomposes. So it's not a moment; it's a process that actually begins when the heart stops and culminates in the complete loss of the body, the decompositions of all the cells. However, ultimately what matters is, What's going on to a person's mind? What happens to the human mind and consciousness during death? Does that cease immediately as soon as the heart stops? Does it cease activity within the first 2 sec., the first 2 min.? Because we know that cells are continuously changing at that time. Does it stop after 10 min., after half an hour, after an hour? And at this point we don't know.